06.01.07
The Authoritative Guide to Programmer Classification
Have you ever met a programmer? Do you wonder what a programmer might be like in real life? Would you know how to communicate with him? This guide will classify programmers into their three distinctly unique groups and provide detail into how these different types of programmers go about their daily lives.
The Dork
The dork is, by far, the most common type of programmer. The dork will seem to the untrained eye a normal, albeit oddly dressed, member of society. Dorks can be spotted in many common places such as the grocery store, the barber shop, the movie theater, or popular restaurants, but will most often seem uncomfortably out of place as he would much rather be in front of a computer screen leveling his 4th gnome warlock.
Communication with dorks, though taxing, can be facilitated by surrounding yourself with expensive computer equipment, carrying World of Warcraft installation discs on your person, or starting the conversation with the following question, “As a feral druid, would it be wiser for me to dual wield or to carry a two handed weapon?”
WARNING: Touching a dork’s computer without invitation, insulting his PvP abilities, or refusing to believe his story about his online girlfriend who is a model in Iowa
can result in the dork becoming violent, flailing his arms about wildly, and accompanying this with high-pitched shrieks and wails.
The Geek Who Doesn’t Want to Be a Geek
This is the second most common type of programmer, though he is significantly rarer than the previously mentioned dork. He is rarely spotted in public, though can be easily differentiated from normal people by his distinct lack of taste in clothing and hair style and by his pasty white skin. This type of programmer will go to great lengths to hide the fact that he just used Dijkstra’s Algorithm to determine the quickest path to the grocery store through traffic, but generally fails miserably to deceive anyone.
WARNING: Be gentle with these individuals. The soft glow of his several monitors provides just enough sunlight to prevent complete vitamin D deficiency, but his weakened bone structures can be damaged from even slight contact. Additionally, he will own you in Unreal Tournament.
The Geek Who Know’s He’s a Geek — And Loves It
This is the rarest — and most dangerous — form of programmer. He is well aware of his physical shortcomings, but thrives on developing new software modules for obscure programming languages. He is often known on the internet by a moniker that he will often respond to in real life. He often has an army of computers at his disposal, and he could tell you all about his most recent achievements in person, but would rather IM you the link to his wiki page where his life is detailed by the minute.
The only time this type of programmer is spotted is during his rare sustenance excursions when he travels to the nearest grocery or convenience store to replenish his supply of Cheetos, Tab, and Mountain Dew. Any human contact is often responded to with loud hisses and scratching.
WARNING: This individual is a master in all forms of online combat. He has killed you in Battlefield 2 about a dozen times and has probably managed to do the same to most members of your extended family. Any attempt to subdue this individual on the internet will become violent — programmatically speaking, of course.
I sincerely hope this guide has enlightened you to the different types of code monkeys you might encounter during your day-to-day life. Memorizing the aspects of each class might save your life some day.
